Today is a new day, one that I will not go to my regular Weight Watchers meeting. Over the Thanksgiving holiday I have gained — again! I am so furious with myself that I could throw in the towel and give up, BUT — I shall not quit! While I am ashamed and furious with myself, I do not wish to share my mood or shame with others at the meeting.
I do not wish to fall off the wagon, but I have. According to my scales I have gained about three pounds. My husband asks how? “You eat like a bird, or a small child.”
True. Oh so true!
I am careful what I eat, but over the holiday, I baked a cake. My husband’s favorite cream cheese pound cake. I told myself I would not eat it, fearful that IF I took even a small bite, it would set me up for destruction. It did! Yes, I tracked my food — every bite, and many days, my power point count was over the top. I was ashamed. Furious with myself. I think I must have a conversation with my husband, telling him NOT to ‘save that last piece of cake for me.’ Of course, I ate several pieces of the cake. Afterwards, I told myself I was weak. A loser, but not in the Weight Watchers way. I was a loser to myself. Lacking courage or determination. I was a weakling. I might as well quit Weight Watchers.
OK self — you are headed down a road of self-destruction! I told myself I could stop this behavior. I have no idea where it came from. Last year at Thanksgiving I was stronger — emotionally, although I was physically ill with acute bronchitis. Food wasn’t an enemy for me last year, like it was this year. This Thanksgiving, Food was a monster to me. The cake echoed to me, telling me I was hungry and should eat, and eat and eat…. Thanksgiving does have the tendency to depress me. I am accustomed to sharing Thanksgiving with a household full of people. Friends. Family. That doesn’t happen anymore and I miss it. Maybe I should volunteer to cook for some of the organizations needing volunteers at the holidays. I scratch my head. Why didn’t I think of that earlier?
This Thanksgiving I was spinning on a wheel that wouldn’t stop and with every spin, food was the enemy.
What did I do?
I found a recipe for a chocolate cheesecake I wanted to make and I baked it. Two days later, I cut the cheesecake and ate one piece — a small piece — for breakfast. Headed back to the kitchen, I picked up the chocolate cheesecake and tossed it in the trash. I could’ve shared it with one of my neighbors, but I knew that IF that cheesecake remained inside my fridge until she came home, I would be tempted. Oh so tempted.
Today, I am angry with myself and I simply cannot attend the meeting. Tears drip down my face as I write this, sharing it with my readers and fans.
While today is a new day, for me, it is a day of self-discovery. A day to make certain I work out and eat properly, the Weight Watchers way. I will miss my meeting, but today, I am focused to get off this wagon of self-destruction and to move forward with the stiff determination and perseverance I must have to continue losing my weight.
Yes, today I am furious with myself, although I am confident I will achieve my goals. I must remind myself that this too shall pass, and I must repeat the words my father shared with me so often. The words of a poem by Anonymous, the title “Don’t Quit.” This poem is my anchor. It comforts me and gives me courage:
“Success is failure turned inside out,
the silver tint of the clouds of doubt,
and you never can tell how close you are.
It may be nearer when it seems afar.
So stick to the fight when you are hardest hit.
It’s when things seem worse, you mustn’t quit!”
These words anchor me, guiding, embracing me not to quit. Not in marriage. Not in my dreams and passions as a writer. Not in my life. Not with Weight Watchers.
“It’s when things seem worse, you mustn’t quit.”
Today is a New Day! Next Thursday is a new day…a new meeting! DON’T QUIT!