Here I go again with freewriting, only this time, it is about a subject I have failed to truly reach out to and appreciate until now. The subject of Friendship and how precious and IMPORTANT it is to our lives.
If you read my post on the 17th of this month, you read about a wonderful friend I recently lost. Still, I find myself thinking of her. Only yesterday, I thought I saw her again. Gee. Am I losing my mind, or what?
I suppose it is the cycle of grief that is racing inside my mind. Years ago, I failed to reach out to new people I met in fear of their rejections. I admit it. It’s hard for me to make a friend, simply because friendship means more to me than words can describe. A friend is someone you not only laugh and have fun with, a friend is someone who will truly be there for you, during the good, the bad and the ugly days of darkness.
As a young girl, I made friends easily, only to discover they were saying ugly things behind my back. Ouch. That truly hurt. As a teenager, friends were jealous of me. Imagine that?!? Why, I do not know, so in high school I only had a few “friends.” Funny, I still keep in touch with them. One lives in Ohio, the other in my hometown. Rarely do I see either. One refuses to do e-mail, so we correspond via the antiquated way of letter writing. Her letters are in cursive writing. Mine…are — of course — typed and I do sign them with my cursive penmanship.
I think I hate freewriting, because it appears to be just random thoughts, not organized or edited, just thoughts rushing along a keyboard.
Today, I managed to treat myself to a day at the beach — my first day back in over four weeks. It was delicious! Arriving, I noticed the sandbar was covered with the warm spraying of the ocean waters. I placed my beach chair down, covering it with a thick beach towel, opened my book and relaxed. No one around. No music blaring. Just total relaxation while the roar of the warm ocean waters moaned and groaned my name. It was great to enjoy the beach again. At times, I feel as if I could step across the waters into the beauty of Heaven. Needless to say, my dear friend was on my mind as I relaxed and finally I allowed myself to cry, to release the ocean of tears I haven’t been able to cry, until today.
Yes, I still feel as if I let everyone down at the memorial service since I was so emotional while speaking, but all who thanked me were kind. Two of my friends mentioned they wanted me to write their eulogies.
“Don’t even go there…writing another eulogy is something I do not want to do again — EVER.”
Yes, there will come a day when I will write another, but I hope and pray it is a long way off.
I hate freewriting! It makes me think — too much. So now, it’s been nine minutes of this freewriting, so I’ll hush and get a small bowl of orange sherbet! Yes, I’m treating myself to something luxurious tonight — a delicious bowl of orange sherbet. I think it’s time!